Blood On My Hands
by e-thyme
Summary: (MWPP era) Betrayersecretiveviolentpsychotic. The words never so much as leave a whisper on their lips, but he can tell that's what they think of him - it's stamped all over their faces: the accusation, the hurt, the betrayal.


Ok, this is my first HP fanfic so it probably isn't great or anything, but I'd really appreciate any reviews. Any ideas would also be much appreciated!

~ **Blood On My Hands** ~

Chapter 1

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Sixth year: Hogwarts

Remus ran his hands through his dark blonde hair, panic beginning to rise in him.

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Where were the goddamn pills?

He'd hid them so well – no one could've found them. He'd kept this going for six years now, what could possible have gone wrong this time?

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Ok, Remus, think. You put them where you always put them, right? In a magically sealed of corner in your bottom drawer. Do you still remember the password to lift the charm? Yes. So what IS wrong?

He wracked his brain for any memories of where he'd put the medication. Desperation was beginning to overcome his mind. He needed those pills NOW. Rechecking his calendar, he started pacing the room. Things would start to go wrong tomorrow, and the medicine needed time for it to start working in his system. To make matters worse, this was the last week of term so he didn't have anymore supplies left – and he sure as hell couldn't ask Madame Pomfrey for some!

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No one could know. He'd sworn to himself on that first day: NO ONE would know. Lycanthropy was bad enough – he didn't need people to realise that he was a mental lunatic as well.

His body gave a rigid jolt as he was transported back into the deep recesses of his mind. He didn't bother trying to fight it – it was best to just get it over and done with.

He'd been barely five years old when he'd been bitten. It was too young… too young to go through the horror of transforming every month; the fear and disgust of outsiders; the coldness from his parents. Those six years had been hell, and they'd pushed him over the brink. And here was the result. A mental time bomb.

The loneliness of those years had been more than any child should've had to endure. The isolation and despair that he'd dragged with him through all of his childhood years had taken their toll, eventually, some time when he was nine. Those voices in his head had started gradually, and then rapidly increased until he couldn't block them out anymore. And then those voices had melded together to produce one… person, almost.

The psychiatrist confirmed his parents' fears: he was schizophrenic.

Then he'd gotten medication to control the voices, and everything went back to normal. The subject was barely mentioned again, but it was clear his parents were disappointed that their son wouldn't make it far in the world.

He'd always felt so guilty about that: his parents' obvious dissatisfaction (though it went far beyond mere dissatisfaction) was like a constant dark burden he had to bear.

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No time to feel sorry for yourself now, Remus. You've got one helluva problem here…

Yes, yes. He needed to find those pills right now. There was so much at stake – his friends, his current life here at Hogwarts. Dumbledore had been willing to accept a werewolf, but how would he feel about one that belonged in a mental asylum?

He groaned loudly. This situation was getting desperate.

* * * * * * * *

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Remus, it's been a long time, huh? Still remember me? They tried to keep me away from you with all those pills, but I'm back now. This time I'm here to stay.

Oh no. He froze at the sound of the voice in his head. It was as he had always remembered it – smooth as silk and coated with feigned friendliness.

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Come on Rem, what's with the silence? That's no way to treat a faithful friend whom you haven't seen in ages.

He let out a disbelieving snort. Faithful friend indeed. It was that voice in his head that had told him to hell and curse at his parents, that made him sit his sister once. He winced at the memory. She had looked up at him with those clear blue eyes filled with tears and said to him,

"I thought you were my brother, Remus."

The words had cut into his heart like a dagger on that day. He hadn't been able to look her in the eye for weeks and she'd never told anyone about it – not even their parents.

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Aw, come on. That was in the past, anyway, she deserved it. Don't you remember how she annoyed you?

That was what Remus feared the most. The voice's ability to twist and bend his mind according to its will. His search for pills became even more frantic as the voice in his head grew louder and bolder.

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Remus, why are you doing this to me: your old friend? It hurts me, you know, your coldness. I suppose you think you're all high and mighty now, with that Potter and his friend Black as your mates.I

Remus' heart skipped a few beats. No. No. Not James and Sirius. He began to shake uncontrollably. He knew what this meant. The voice in his head had already chosen its next targets: either James or Sirius. Panic spread throughout his body. It was unlikely he was going to find his medication, and the voice was getting more defiant as the minutes passed.

Only God could help him now.

* * * * * * * *

He laughed madly – a high-pitched, wild sound. God he was enjoying this. The voice in his head egged him on.

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Yes, Remus. Hurt him. Make him pay. He pretended to care about you, pretended that he thought nothing of your Lycanthropy. And all this time he's been sneering at you behind your back. MAKE HIM FEEL YOUR PAIN!

He laughed again. It was more menacing this time. His eyes were clouded with insanity – that of a madman's. The irises seemed to have enlarged abnormally, giving him a haunted look. His honey-coloured hair had never been neat, but now it ran wild. The muscle above his lip twitched, showing a cruel, hard smile.

"Sirius. You bastard. How dare you and James try to fool me into believing you actually cared for me. But now I _know_. And you are going to pay. Yes, you are going to pay dearly…"

Sirius was backed up into the corner of the room. It was an unusual sight. Sirius was clearly the taller and stronger of the two, but Remus had tapped into his wolf strength. The black-haired boy was clearly feeling betrayed. His dark eyes were angry and defiant; fire was dancing behind his pupils.

"What are you talking about?! James and I have been with you, supported you, since the beginning of first year! We were there for you during your transformations every month! And this is how you treat us in return? You don't belong in Gryffindor; you should be in Slytherin, you traitor!!"

Rage had blinded Sirius. The last insult had been said to hurt, and it did, if it was possible to hurt a madman. And an angry madman was not a good thing.

Remus blinked once, twice, then lunged at Sirius.

"How dare you!!" he roared, fire cursing through his veins.

His wolf instincts began to kick in. Clawing, biting and kicking at Sirius – he looked like an animal.

And then he tasted blood. Warm fresh blood trickling down Sirius' neck. Something primal awoke inside of him then, and ancient instinct that ran through the blood of all werewolves.

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Yes go on, Remus! Revenge is sweet, isn't it? Show him the werewolf that he has been laughing at all this time!

Howling with renewed fervour and passion, Remus began to tear at Sirius' skin, his fingers gripping the soft black hair now drenched with sweat. 

"How does it feel to be the victim, for once, huh?" he gasped, cruelly mocking.

Sirius did not take to all of this kindly, of course. He yelled and punched and kicked, but Remus' endurance seemed to be infinite. _He _on the other hand, was not doing quite as well. A sixteen-year-old boy could only last for so long, and he seemed to be drowning in his own exhaustion. But the pain was gradually numbed, as Sirius' mind became more and more hazy…

"What the f…? Sirius? REMUS!" James yelled in shock. He was standing in the doorway, paralysed for a second, completely stunned.

"Remus! What are you DOING? Sirius! Bloody hell, Sirius, can you hear me?" he continued to shout, rushing frantically to the limp heap on the floor.

"Why, another nice surprise! James _Potter_! I was only expecting Sirius here, but now you're here. What a bonus!" Remus was wearing a mask of mock surprise, and it was a look James was NOT used to. In fact, Remus was covered in so much sweat and blood that James wasn't sure if it _was_ Remus or not.

So he did the first thing that came to his mind.

"Stupefy!"

The werewolf's body went rigid, and fell to the floor with a resounding thud.

Author's note: Good god. I just read through all of that and it sounds like a total failure. Yes, I need desperate help. If you have any ideas of improvement, PLEASE tell me. I'm open to any criticism (as long as it's nothing unreasonable). Also tell me if I should continue with this, or if it's just hopeless. I'll try my best to make the next chapter better.


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